11/25/05. From the very start of this lab, at the 9/11 pre-lab orientation gathering,
I brought up the necessity for the group to learn how to increase their self-compassion
during our journey through the difficult psychological terrain of exposing
our two-faced
egos and their hypocritical behaviors as a resource for developing clown
characters.
Everybody agreed that this was a good idea and we all agreed to
give it our
best shot.
During the first trimester (9/18 - 10/17) of this 3-month lab, this group demonstrated a robust self-expression around the characterizations of personal hypocrisies in duets and trios of clown-like performances. During this period, I saw how invigorated we were by the shock of freedom afforded by exposing these hidden aspects of ourselves, and shamelessly and hilariously assaulting each other with our exaggerated antics of animated self-importance.
This freedom was catalyzed by an exploration and sanctification of "true"
and "false" selves as equal in value, blurring their borders and allowing for
a more flexible
ego in the process. Also, I had introduced characters to each
participant
based in my
intuitive impressions of what was already developing in their
presentations,
characters
that proved (for the most part) engaging to all and which helped
clarify our
relationships.
All in all, the first month's work saw an accelerated and exciting
process of opening
ourselves to ourselves and each other.
The first two weeks of the second trimester (10/23 - 11/6) saw various manifestations
of withdrawal, from a scattering of absent participants to a lull in the sharing of stories
and observations during each session's final group circles. During this time, I perceived
in the group energy a kind of muting, or diminishing quality, as if the previously dynamic
"opening" phase either frightened us or forced us inward to process what had been exposed
and displayed so flagrantly. I also began to wonder if the group as a whole was having trouble
raising their level of self-compassion during this critical integration stage. The increasing
absenteeism was not helping the group morale and we were also rapidly outgrowing the
characters
I had selected for us.
Something was happening; I just couldn't tell what it was.
During the final two weeks of the second trimester (11/7 - 11/20) the group had eventually lost its way. We were clearly flailing without direction. I soon realized that we were severed from the original ritual intent of "exposing and performing our personal hypocrisies". I could see no purpose to what we were doing and told the group about this. These two weeks were difficult for me, as I really wanted to perform yet I realized that we were facing specific limitations forbidding it, limitations that I had to respect; moving into any performance of paratheatre work "just to perform" would never hold together. We needed another intent.
During the first night of the
third trimester (11/21), the ritual intent
of "exposing and
performing our personal
hypocrisies" had officially dissolved and a new intent was
born
in
its wake, a spiritual intent
of healing and returning to deeper immersions in
transpersonal
sources, such as "dreambody"
and "earth surrender" (as opposed to the more personal
attributes
of our individual ego
structures). This new direction went over swimmingly
with the group; like diverse
species
of savannah beasts silently drinking from the same
watering holes, a new depth and calm
enveloped the group. It will be interesting to find
out how this non-performance oriented intent will develop and whether or not it turns
into any kind of public performance direction.
12/6/05. At this point two participants, Linda Rose and Matthew Purdon, have
withdrawn
for reasons of their own leaving the remaining nine as the consolidated
core of this
post-clown
lab. In addition, I have invited Paradox Pollack back into this
experiment after the group unanimously agreed; Dox withdrew
after the second lab
session to work with me on his solo performance project, which has been postponed
until next summer. Since these changes,
the lab direction has taken on a decidedly
deeper and,
dare I say, a spiritual tone
insofar as
the
specific sources we have been
accessing,
expressing and embodying each night.
These have
included Masculine/Feminine and
their dynamic merging, as well as, what
I call "Deity Approaches" where
each of us
designates
the opposite side of the space
to
the presence of Higher Self,
Holy
Guardian
Angel or Divinity. Pick and choose.
Each approach to this presence is
as important as
the
entrance into it insofar as it
communicates an honest relationship with
that presence.
We approach and enter
this presence three
times:
once to find out what it is, the
second pass with a question
and the third time with an
offering
of some kind.
The results of these rituals have effectively renewed the group unity around an intent of receptivity to vertical source work, rather than the original intent of accessing and embodying our more "horizontal" ego structures for the purpose of public performance. With every night we are moving deeper into verticality and further away from the more horizontal audience-based intentions. The rituals developing from the end of this lab also seem to be foreshadowing the upcoming Spring 2006 Alchemy lab, which feels like a good sign.
The group
circles that
convene at the end of each night's lab session have become
more
telling of the deepening
group unity. We have all been participating by sharing
stories
and charged ritual moments
with the group. This in itself is extraordinary
because
usually
after these rituals
participants are real quiet, silently processing their
experiences,
not
wanting to verbalize
anything almost out of some primitive shyness
that their hot,
holy
states will vanish if they
open their mouthes and talk.
I reminded the
group that it was
important for the left-brain
languaging processes to catch
up with their
right-brain intuitive
impressions and that the
group circle was an opportunity
to hone
those skills. You don't have
to explain or try and
explain something to talk about it.
If you just confess what happened
and leave it at that,
nothing sacred disappears.
Who
knows?
You may have even developed
new codes
and speech patterns
for more
truthfully
reflecting
the mysteries experienced. I also announced my absence for the
next lab session
where Nick
Walker will take over time-keeping responsibilities and act as
the
group's third
eye for that
one
night.
This lab continues for six more sessions; on the
17th we decide
whether or not
to invite witnesses in for our final night,
Monday December 19th. The unknown beckons...
12/13/05. After what could have been the two most powerful paratheatre sessions of this 3-month lab, the group has unanimously decided against presenting any public presentation of the work we have been developing. The work we are now doing feels too valuable, too naked, too deep to share with those who would arrive to watch, judge or try and figure out what was happening. It is difficult to explain but I do understand not sharing what is too valuable. Perhaps for fear of ruining or corrupting it or frightening it away, like tourists trying to feed wild deer.
Monday night's closing group circie lasted 90 minutes (the longest group circle I can remember)
due to the spontaneous emergence of everybody's stories, charged moments and revelations
after
the
awesome Cycle of Reincarnations ritual
(exploring the No-Form, Birth Living, Death,
Afterlife
continuum and constellations of vertical and ancestral sources).
Since the lab intent shifted around 11/22, the quality of each session's work has significantly
deepened
in the
authenticity of self-expression and vertically-aligned interactions. Every
session's results keep getting
deeper and more intense than the last and I expect our final
three
sessions to be no exception. If so,
this will probably be my final journal entry as most
of what
I experienced over just the last two nights have been impossible to put into words
to effectively convey what transpired, not just with me but with
this group as a
whole
and
with each individual. With that said, I feel proud to have been part of this
experiment
with
such courageous and talented individuals as these. It's been quite
the
journey,
one that I think none of us will forget anytime soon.
12/19/05. Postscript. Saturday 12/17, we reinstated the Deity Approaches ritual with good effect that achieved a deepening of group unity. Sunday 12/18, we worked with personal trinities that activated new source relations for us all and provided foundation for extensive immersion in the Creator-Destroyer-Nourisher Temple ritual. This was also Paradox's final lab session; he was picked up afterwards by his ride to Portland for a winter solstice performance there. Tonight, the remaining eight enter the Temple of the Ancestors. We will all bring to the final session those elements for creating our own individual altars to our ancestral legacy. These altars will border the entire space with a central collective area designated to No-Form.
12/20/05. And so,
this lab has finally culminated in a restoration of a
sense of belonging
in
the mystical realms of past, present and future ancestral presences infusing the altar-laced ritual
space.
The results of tonight's rituals were simultaneously sobering and liberating, leaving us all
in a state of
dynamic
calm. We laughed, we cried, we sighed and said good-bye. It was a good night.
-Antero Alli
